Reflections on Things Lost
Topic: Mysteries of Life


With all of the calamities and disasters occurring in the country both in the past and in the present it gives me pause to think about how absolutely fragile life is. The idea of some sort of permanence in the world, some sort of solid and surefooted present and future which is not real in the first place, becomes more evident in it's absence. Buddhist as I am, I know nothing is permanent. Everything is impermanent especially life itself. With nothing permanent in life some things remain important if only because of how fragile and ephemeral those things are. People, friends and relatives are always there even when gone, even when not seen for years. People you think about every single day and haven't seen for years are always there. Always and forever a part of your life.

I had this dream once. I have this dream often. I'm doing something, something else entirely like browsing in a library and I see someone who sees me. Someone I know. Someone who knows or knew me. I feel the scorn and disgust from them and I flee. Never a word, just the feeling that sends me fleeing and to suddenly awaken. I have to explain, whenever I have dreams it's not like I have dreams far from reality. Dreams of my own reality and not dreams as I wish them to be. Just reinforcements of reality. I wish I had dreams of monsters chasing me or falling but I get this one instead. I never have a chance to do anything in this dream, no way to change the outcome, it's predetermined. I awaken with my heart pounding and with a sadness that wraps around me.

I had that dream last night. Quite vivid and real. Only this time the person wasn't mad at me. And actually spoke to me. The feeling was intense, my surprise and gratefulness was overwhelming. I wanted to speak, to say something but as in life my words would not come. My heart raced and I was suddenly awake. I felt great, a wonderful feeling. And it wasn't real. I never did say I was sorry. And I was. And I am.